Thanks for the opinions yesterday. I agree with you all. But I need to also take into account LA’s advice to take it easy for awhile on a man that has changed my life. The thing is that he’s so good at nurturing that people can easily become dependent on him. His Ex never trusted him and complained constantly about how he did things. I just don’t see it at all. He’s WONDERFUL at taking care of things. I think she completely missed the boat on his best points.
For instance, our washing machine broke. He took me to the store and convinced me to buy a better machine than I could afford alone. Then when it was delivered the hoses were stuck on the old machine and a faucet was frozen. He got the old hoses off and did PLUMBING and replaced the broken faucet and it was a really neat job, very professional looking. He not only volunteered to work from home that day to meet the delivery guys but he fixed my basement bulkhead the week before so the machine could be delivered and then fixed the plumbing so it could be hooked up.
To top it off everyday I write a grocery list of what we’re running out of. Every morning, without me ever asking, he takes that list with him and buys what’s on the list. It’s easy to see how his only son could have grown up without ever having written a check or paying a bill or holding a steady job .. I mean .. why? What reward are you going to get greater than complete and unconditional love and support since birth? What incentive do you have to be independent if you’ve rarely felt that self-satisfaction from doing it yourself because someone was doing it better for you?
And on top of that I feel like the mean guy trying to separate them and let this kid try something, anything, on his own. Fred loves his son and wants to see him. The thing is seeing him is more than visiting. Fred will visit and pay all the utilities and then buy him a ration of food, enough that the kid can exist until Fred does it again next month.
I want Fred to see his son. His son is actually a nice guy with a good heart. So I feel badly when I suggest to Fred that his son hasn’t asked for a visit or help when I see my children without them “needing me” just ‘cause I love them. I want him to do that too but without the excessive giving and fostering of dependence. I want him to give to his son if his son ASKS and I want his son to have a chance to grow a pair .. yannow?
I ‘m trying to limit his visits to his son in an attempt to limit his “help” but I think that he’ll just circumvent me and send a check anyhow and then my agenda is back to square one anyhow.
I guess talking to Fred is going to be the only way and I really hate confronting someone whose best points, when taken to excess, become something else. That’s why I’m not even sure it’s worth it. If I had a parent that met my every need, all my life into my middle age, and some outsider B*tch came along and tried to change the dynamic between me and someone I’ve depended on for survival after all that time, I’d hate her. And if I was Fred I’d think someone was trying to tear me away from my only child and that’s not it at all either.
I seriously am thinking that if I try just a little and very gently and I get a very negative response then it might not be worth it at all from my point of view to try to “help”. But it’s such a waste. I’d want more for my own children but I don’t think Fred & son will look at it like that at all.