2007-03-21

Iíve been trying to get used to my contact for about a week (only using one in one eye for reading). Out of those seven days I could only get it in 5 days. Out of those 5 days I felt like I had something stuck in my eye 100% of the time and my eye watered. The watering made my vision fuzzy on that side although I could read like a sumí of bitch without my glasses, which I absolutely loved.

I go to classes and look down at my book and read close up, then I look up at the board and read far away effortlessly. Over this past test week I have discovered that the prescription the doctor wanted to give me was definitely too strong and the lesser powered contact was more easily adapted to, while still being able to read. The only thing stopping me is this watery eye syndrome and frankly I think I can adapt if I persevere because I enjoy the benefits so much.

Today at noon I am going to order my contacts yet I think Iím going to get a good pair of bifocals too, just in case. Along with that one clear bifocal Iím going to order some vanity contacts too. Iím starting with blue but I think I may like green just as well and I hope I have enough money to get both after I add in the glasses. The glasses will be rimless. I adore rimless. You look right past them and at the person's face. You donít even process the glasses, just the face. Regardless of needing glasses anyways, just in case, I donít know why more people donít take this option instead of using reading glasses.

Sure, I have a certain amount of vanity. The one time I thought of my girlfriend as looking old was the day she was peering at me over her reading glasses, and we all do that, because everything further than three feet away is blurry if you donít. Plus I donít like the red indents on either side of my nose from wearing glasses. I hate the inconvenience of putting them on to read a menu and then hiding them in my purse again only to take them out again for the bill. This is effortless. I read and I can drive without interference and frankly theyíre always cleaner than my dirty glasses.

Iím a convert but for other converts I have few questions. I have been testing @ccue-vue contacts and theyíre supposed to last a week and then you throw them away and take out a new pair. Well I only wore them 5 days and they were like a rag today and finally tore and fell apart as I tried to put them in this morning. They got progressively more rag like and difficult to put in as time went by. Is this normal? Is another brand less susceptible (dang I spelled that right the first time!) to this? Itís danged annoying. Let me know before I invest in a bad brand.


As for Fred and I, heís still great. Itís me that needs changing. Itís darned strange to talk about him here publicly knowing he could read but I would like to have a reasonably honest recitation of our early days so I remember years from now how foolish I was and how in love. If he reads I hope he doesnít take offense at references to my Ex (ron) but I spent most of my life with him and thatís all I have to reference as a past. So here goes:

I saw a couple fighting publicly the other day. It was obvious that it had become more than just a disagreement about a certain subject but it held remnants of past fights and was full of disrespect for each other. It made me wonder why are they still together? Theyíre obviously unhappy. Is it their hate that binds them as once their love did? Is it hope that the love will return? Or is it that the love is still there but each has done to the other something awful but forgivable, only because of their past love, but unforgettable and all trust has vanished?

Whatever the reason I found myself thinking of my Ex and a day that we witnessed a similar couple fighting many years ago and I turned to my Ex and said, ďIf we ever get like that promise me that youíll shoot me. I donít want to live like that.Ē And he wanted the same. The thought of breaking up wasnít even an option, just ending us was the only option for two people so in love. Then I remembered that there WAS a time we were so in love and it ended so soon. Honestly he had cheated on me before two years of marriage were up and I had my proof by the second year.

Knowing this how much could I trust what Fred and I have? Because I saw that couple and I wanted to turn to him and say, ďIf we ever get like that shoot me.Ē And it all came rushing back because you donít say something like that because you want to die. It represents that youíd rather die than end up like that and because you are so in love that it seems like an impossibility.

I donít think Fred is a cheat, far from it. Every feeler I put out confirms that he isnít. But I think that he has it in him to just change his mind. One day in love, the next day not. There is a great stubbornness in him. If he decides something is done, itís done. What if I say ďI doĒ and two years down the road heís not in love anymore? What if Iíve held back too much of myself and was distant and discouraged him? I am plagued by doubt and all of it is in my own head. Iím my own worst enemy.

The universe sends you what you think about. Thatís how I ended up with Fred in the first place. I canít screw it up now. I must stay positive.


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Staying Positive