2008-03-24

I signed on today and you guys ALL updated! I read for about two hours in between help desk calls. I didn't have time to comment, but I'm reading. My heart goes out to Yvonne. I am no stranger to trying as hard as you can to make something work and being treated like crap in return. She's a beautiful person who tried her best and I'm not sure that I want them to reconcile, although I am positive that she would love to.

People told me way back then when I went through this that he wasn't worth it but I loved him so much that I had an awful time separating and leaving those feelings behind. Obviously I am doing fine now but I never, never, never want to go through something like that again. That pain was worse than the cancer, it was worse than the threat of death, it was on a par with losing a new born. It was BAD. But the happiness I have now with someone who authentically loves me and likes me for who I am and tries so hard to please me was worth it, if it's never repeated again because when I say it HURT, it really, really HURT. I will never forget those years or the process I went through to reclaim my life after 50 years old after 27 years dedicated to the same person.

Kitchen Logic was so very right. She probably doesn't even remember saying it to me it was so long ago but you know how some things stick with you because it was the right time and you were ready for the message? She said that if my man didn't make me absolutely positive that I was number one in his life EVERY DAY then he wasn't my man and I should move on. Not having had that EVER it was inconceivable to me that that kind of relationship even existed. I was totally jealous of her that she would have that with Thor. I was counting myself lucky that I had loved a man so much, not that someone loved me back that much. I didn't even hope that someone, anyone would actually show me that they loved me even after years of being together. The ex wasn't abusive but my life existed in negligence and being alone, a total indifference to my life or my death. He wouldn't even pick me up from the hospital after my tumor was removed. He asked me to call his mother for a ride because he wanted to go lobstering.

Ya now what? Now that I write about it .. you know what hurt the most? Being married to him. The millions of times that he left me alone or made it clear that he didn't want to be with me. I was stupid enough to think we were advanced enough as a couple to go and do our own thing at parties and clubs and we didn't need to hang on each other. It was just an excuse to rationalize why he paid absolutely no attention to me when we were out. Everyone else was more important and he certainly didn't want to share the experience with me.

Was he always like that? Nah .. there was a really good time but it lasted like a nano second in comparison to the total time we were together and he was always a cheat. Tell me that doesn't make you feel useless and so very unspecial.

Why did I stay? Because I loved him and I hoped things would change and return to what they were during the nano second that he acted like a man in love would act towards me. That's number one. Number two was the life we'd built. I didn't want to rip it down and start over, especially if it was a temporary insanity called mid-life crisis. We had children. We were family to each other and family to each other's families and that hurt too because eventually I'd lose my MIL and she was nice and his brothers were funny.

And then comes my final reason, fear. I was scared shitless to start over, to start dating again at over 50 years of age. To even pretend that someone would find my saggy ass cute again. Hell I was afraid to start over in my thirties when I had a chance at looking hot. And even though he wasn't "all that" to me, I was comfortable. I knew what to expect and not to expect. It was like a comfy pair of sneakers. I could walk forever in them and never wish for a new pair to break in again.

Why did he stay? The same reasons plus inertia. Oh yeah and money. Starting over with nothing takes cash and he was comfortable too. He just ignored that I existed and did his own thing.

And ya know what else? Even though the writing was on the wall, hell it was on the ceiling and floor too, I totally didn't see it coming. I was F'n SURPRISED! How absolutely ridiculous. He was all but gone anyways and this myth that he loved me only existed because I refused to acknowledge what was really going on.

And ya know what else? The fact that something, that I know first hand to be a terrible, hurtful thing, is happening to someone else, as in NOT me, should dredge up all this emotion almost 5 years later tells me that I am not healed yet and may never totally be whole again. I'm just grateful that I am no longer in love with him and am just upset that the process to unlove someone should be so hurtful and take so long even when that person is not worth it.


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