The TV program ďLOSTĒ has officially blown my mind with this last episode. Iíve been trying to make sense of this show for three seasons. I own two of the seasons. I TIVOed every show until the season DVD came out. The writers picked up and put down more threads than they can ever think of solving. I mean what happened to Walt and Michael? What is that smoke thing in the woods? Where did the Others go? Why are they coming back? Why do they want tissue samples from the females? Why are they on some kind of morality hunt? Where did they bring the children? Why did Locke go with them?

Itís nice to know that Sun is pregnant by her husband, Jin, but she has to die for the happiest news of her life? WTF? And now the biggest mind blower which is so big I just know theyíre going to drop the story line and leave us all going HUH? Is that the plane they went down in was found with no survivors. No one is looking for them because they are all dead already. In the face of the survival of a man I saw die this leaves very few alternatives. The finding of the plane was either an elaborate hoax to cover up what is happening on the Island or the Island is a doorway to an alternate reality, maybe even an afterlife, maybe a purgatory while your fate is decided.

Although people can die there, Iíve seen them buried and they did not arise again. So again .. WTF? Itís infuriating! The Others obviously have contacts in the real world, thatís how Juliet was able to see her sister, cured of cancer, and her sisterís child. So the island must be in the real world but how would a hoax account for so many missing bodies if they arenít dead? The writers dropped a real bomb on us this time!

Fred is coming back today. He may end up sleeping on the couch if he does because Iím painting and everything is going to be stacked on the bed in a corner and itís raining. I doubt if itís going to dry in time. What I painted two days ago still feels a bit tacky in this moisture but I need to forge ahead. Next week is school and I wonít get a thing done then and the following week is delivery of the new bedroom set. WooHoo!

Fred is also having a (very) used 1987 motor home checked out for possible purchase for our drive away, getaway this summer. Heís changed our destination from cross country (too long to do right) to a two week, four state adventure including North and South Carolina, Tennessee and Virginia with a return trip through the Smoky Mountains. Weíll do a separate trip to Niagara Falls in which I hope to see Greenwitch and LA as we drive through although I think theyíre nearer the Jersey side rather than the upstate side of NY so we may have to take a minor, and fun, detour!

I saw the Ex yesterday and he actually signed over his whole check to pay me back the 800 dollars and then I wrote him a check back for the extra from me and Fredís joint account with Fred and my name together, jointly, *pushes a point home*. You know heís telling me all this shit about Tracey, his girlfriend, that he probably told her about me four years ago. She doesnít help out or clean. She doesnít sleep with him etc. He canít get ďexcitedĒ with her anymore. Yada Yada Yada.

You know I feel bad saying this because I swore before God and man that I would love him forever through better and worse, sickness and health, richer and poorer until death we do part. I hate to break a promise like that but he doesnít want it, or honor it and to tell the truth I donít anymore either and it makes me feel just the tiniest bit guilty even though he broke that vow first that I would dishonor it too, but what I felt is gone.

I tried to both love him and start new for four years (damned impossible to do) and now that I have started new I no longer love him. As a matter of fact heís looking pretty shallow right now although I know heís capable of being much more than what heís become. He dishonored himself and now heíll never be the same. You canít do something shameful in your own eyes however much you want it and stay the same. Once you breach your sense of honor and your own code of right and wrong your moral compass is broken and damned near impossible to repair. I hope I never do that to myself and moving on despite my vows feels a little bit like that.

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