I took the Ex to court yesterday. He had a monthly probation fee of 21 dollars a month and he hadn’t paid it so he had a warrant out for his arrest for non-payment to the court. He didn’t want the monthly hassle so he just paid it off in total and cleared the warrant. Afterwards, as we were driving I asked him, “Do you know what day this is?” and he said, “Tuesday the 5th?” and I said, “Yes, but it’s more. Today is Justin’s birthday”.

I went on to explain that our son who was born prematurely and died after just 2 and a half days had a burial spot that I didn’t know how to get to. My grandmother had donated the spot from a family burial ground. She put flowers there every memorial day until she was too aged and now my Mother puts flowers there every year. But I didn’t even know what town it was in. It’s not that I wasn’t told. I was. Over and over I was but I never remembered and had no memory of driving there myself because I was always driven and it wasn’t familiar territory.

So Ron (the Ex) had me drive to the grave yard and now I know how to get there. Apparently he occasionally visits on his way home from work. Justin would have been 27 this year. He would have looked just like his sister. They had the same baby face at birth, the same round baby head. I miss him and his stone is in my mother’s ring. My kids know that I didn’t forget even if he was here so briefly so they remembered him when they bought me the ring for my 50th birthday.

The 50th birthday reminded me that Ron was going to be 50 next year. I asked him if he was going to have a 50th birthday party. He didn’t know. I said well I hope your 50th is better than mine, I turned 50, had a party, then I caught breast cancer and my husband left me. I hope yours is better than that.

But really what could he say to that? And what more can I say? This is too depressing as it is.

The End.

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