2009-12-24

Itís been a long time since I wrote here. Things went well until they didnít and then I didnít want to give voice to what was happening because I wasnít sure what was happening. Every day was a new revelation. Every day was a new drama. I didnít want to give it any power by even acknowledging it.

My father has Alzheimerís. He is not going to get better. He will only get worse. What I didnít expect was how quickly he could get worse. What I didnít expect was nasty mood swings and denials of reality. He thinks we set up his doctors to lie to him.

What I really, really didnít expect was how hard it would be to separate Dadís symptomology from his real personality and wishes. I have stopped taking offense at the verbal abuse he heaps on me but am I killing myself trying to please him with things he asks for but he really doesnít want? Are his wishes symptoms too?

It doesnít help that I have so many siblings either. For the most part we are on the same page but two of my brotherís have drawn a line in the sand and are fighting old childhood issues not realizing that it is not helping Dad. It became very bad, even hateful, for no good reason except to re-fight old personality issues instead of keeping their eye on whatís best for Dad. One says ďBlueĒ and the other says ďRedĒ just to disagree.

Expectations of what is our joint goal are very different too. One child pretends to be our Fatherís friend but isnít man enough to tell our father he wants to sell what he loves right out from under him. Another wants to stop him from inventing and designing when that is what occupies his mind and makes him happy. I have to agree he gets demanding and disruptive when inventing his new walkers but it does make him happy.

So many things. We went through his things as we moved him. It was like he was dead and we were sorting through his things. Tying to humor him and yes him never turns out right. How could I even tell if he was depressed? Iím rambling but this issue is too big for a single post. Iím going to have to post a series or it will make no sense and Iíll have it documented as my father is now suing me and I have to pay for it.


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My Dad