Here Be Dragons

2008-01-02

Resolutions? I don�t need no stinkin� resolutions!

Okee, bad movie reference .. but I do have one. It�s simple, and if you knew what I weighed right now *cough 180 cough* you�d sh*t. I stopped smoking 3 years and one month ago at 125 to 130 pounds. That means almost 20 pounds a year since!!!!!!!

My plan of attack is easy and for once I�m motivated. I started in fits and starts during the year but I always got derailed. But for now there are no major holidays or vacations for MONTHS and as I said, I�m motivated.

I�m stopping drinking for a loss of about 500 calories a day. I�ve been hula hooping and using resistance bands and doing a little New Forest Tai Chi. With work starting next week I may have to get in a little walking or do an exercise CD too. I don�t fit in any of my clothes. I run out of things to wear after the first week. I need to fit into my former fat clothes and their predecessors quickly.

Although I say I want to lose quickly my ultimate goal is to eat healthy as a lifestyle and consume the calories that a 130 pound woman consumes in a healthy variety of fruits, vegetables and meats without the baggage of multiple 100 calorie drinks every night.

I am alarmed at how I skyrocketed with Fred taking me out every night (and lunch too quite often) and my empty calories at the Moose. I am well aware that not all of this was �Quit smoking weight�.

Anyways I wanted to say that I have been noticing women that I read that have difficult relationships, like I did. I want to tell them to stop wasting their lives. The men won�t change and in some cases demonstrate a complete lack of love. I understand that circumstances may bind you to someone that you can�t control but look to and plan for the future and freedom because this will never work and they will never make you happy.

But instead I say nothing because I know the circumstances and in one situation I�d be stuck for a solution too. And when people told me to get out I didn�t listen either. I was in love, but only god knows why, because I certainly don�t, now that it�s over. But time has a way of working things out and even though the emotional price I paid for my separation from the Ex was steep (I was almost suicidal the pain was so much) it allowed me to find someone who actually *likes* me. He loves to spend time with me. He spoils me and surprises me. Every email ends in "I Love You".

Now I haven�t married him yet because we�ve both been burned and are waiting for each other to morph into monsters like our Ex�s. We know people can change. Been there, done that. Plus in my case I am well aware that we are aging and so I have to ask myself how much effort am I willing to put into him if he fails and goes into a protracted illness? Until I know I�m committed even in that eventuality it wouldn�t be fair to marry him. I know already that he would never leave me if I was sick and needed help. It amazes me. The Ex was hard put to get me a glass of water if I had afever and then left me when I had to fight cancer.

But even with all that to have someone that makes you smile and helps you and says �of course� when you ask for help is priceless. To have someone that enjoys you and invites you to go everywhere with them because they like to be with you. To have someone hold you EVERY DAY and whisper �You�re wonderful� and �You�re the most beautiful woman�. To have someone that is willing to quit smoking to be with me because I couldn�t live with a smoker after quitting smoking myself. It�s worth everything I went through and more.

Well, I guess I just want that for my friends too and I think they�ve forgotten that it�s out there and that happiness and being and feeling loved is a God given right, just like I did.

Never Forget .. It�s yours to claim when you want it. If a 50 year old grandmother can find it then believe me it�s out there for you too. Be brave. I was a coward and dragged it out until he left because I was so fearful. In the end it didn�t matter what I did or how hard I tried and all I did was lengthen my pain. I wish a better life for my friends.

*Gets off her soapbox*

Aren�t happy people a lot like ex smokers? Pain in the arse isn�t it?

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