Here Be Dragons

2008-01-24

Well, I�ve done it. I charged a crap load of money on a H0me Dep0t card, now I�m hoping that my job, Fred and fate allow me to pay it off before it balloons to the 20 plus percent of a typical store card.

Since I no longer drive incredible mileage to work I�m hoping my car lasts a year more than it otherwise would and I have a free year of no payments. That would do it. I know you guys with your Toyotas and such go 200 thousand miles but my cheap American brand cars usually only make it to about 120 thousand before they are just junk that I�m throwing money away on. I barely drive 14K a year now and I used to drive about 31 per year. Plus I barely drove the past year and so I think I only have about 86K on the car now. I might get two or three more years out of the old Chevy. That would be really wonderful!

Meanwhile I have a very general question:

If some parent, maybe named Fred, had totally supported an only child into their 30�s and when this child was on his own he got into substance abuse problems so that the parent is now afraid to withdraw support for fear that the (much loved) child may backslide into a lifestyle that they seem to have successfully left behind
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And when an outsider, that would be me, notices that this man/child has never been allowed to sink or swim on his own and so hasn�t experienced the pain nor the self-pride of being independent.
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And when this same outsider and suggester (me) has experienced the drug of being totally cared for and so realizes what a pull it has, especially if independence and pride haven�t been allowed to develop previously.
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When this outsider suggests to this parent, who badly wants to visit said child and fill this child with monetary goodies that the child hasn�t asked for (nor the visit) that maybe this parent should wait until the child actually asks for help or shows a desire for a parental visit which is a very unwanted viewpoint from this parent who is also a bad disciplinarian and wants to be the child�s friend.
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When this outsider (me) suggests that the urge to visit may come from the parent�s own dependence and need for his connection to his child and not from the child�s (who should be a self supporting man by now) need for his parent and that this visit with monetary goodies may in fact keep this child dependent and that this parent�s fears of his child backsliding need to be put to rest so the child can have a personal victory, even if its as simple as holding a steady job, even if at first this child fails. The victory must be the child�s own no matter what stasis may have developed between them in the meantime and the child should ask for help when he falls behind not wait for help to be delivered on schedule..

Well, is this suggesting person (me) wrong to interfere in patterns so old and well ingrained that maybe this now, approaching middle aged, child really isn�t capable and is virtually institutionalized by his own parent?

Is it worth rocking this boat? Does it have any reasonable chance of succeeding? Or should everyone involved, including me, just accept that this child may be the one that never left home, never married, and will take care of his parents in their old age in exchange for perpetual support?

I think it�s a waste of a life and fosters fear and dependence, but hey, maybe it�s what they both want now and I�m wasting my time banging against immoveable walls and I should just plan for an in-law apartment for his son if we ever sell both our homes and buy a joint home.

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