Thank you all so much for your commiseration. It really did suck and it's really hard not to take something like that as a personal rejection. Poor Fred, he really tried to comfort me but sometimes you're just in a funk and it needs time to work its way out. I sent him to the Moose and told him I just needed some time alone and that there was no need for him to be depressed too. I'd be ok with a little time. I had a good cry and then thought "Fuck them" and I was ok again. Well as ok as you can be considering I was out of work again.

But I got to thinking. I have never really fit in with the high tech nerds. The first ten years it was my gender. No women were fixing main frame computers in the 70's but me. I was the only woman IBM had in all of Massachusetts doing my job and I took some flack for it. I stayed despite it for the money and to make it easier for my daughters some day in the future. I really did think like that. So despite the "You're just an equal opportunity hire" comments when it was made law after I was already hired, I stayed. I stayed without saying, "I guess having the highest marks in my electronics class doesn't count, huh?" because I would have been accused of fucking the teacher next.

So, I didn't fit and after gender was no longer such an issue many, many years later I often wondered why. It's not that I'm not smart enough. Did I mention that when I left IBM I went to college for my BS in computer science on a merit scholarship for achieving an almost perfect grade in our community college? I won that as a white, middle aged woman in her 40's. I niche that never wins anything anymore.

It's not that I'm not personable. I like people. I think that itís a combination of what generally attracts people to this profession. It generally attracts introverts that are very judgmental and cut and dried. They have no problem saying "That's wrong" when I would say "I think there's a better way". I'm concerned about people's feelings and they don't consider them at all. Anyhow I think I'm just a different personality type and I also think that I may come across as scatterbrained or not focused enough because I'm a gray person instead of a black and white person.

So I thought to myself, "There must be a career out there where I fit in just by being me" So I looked on Craigslist and I have an interview today at three to be an Administrative Assistant the next town over. My new boss (if I'm hired) made it plain that once you leave your area of expertise that you are just a nincompoop again and starting over with equivalent pay. I made it plain that my Microsoft Office skillz are stellar and even though he is going to offer me short money to start, if I am doing well I expect recognition in the form of bucks within the year, maybe only 6 months.

I also thought of starting my own business. I can make 80 bucks in under two hours cleaning cottage rentals on Saturdays to be ready for the next customer this summer. I can make bucks being a companion to the elderly or doing childcare. I have other ideas too if this new job isn't a fit.

And so I start again.

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